Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Anchored

I'll invite you in.  Why not?  Here's the last 10%. 

http://anchoredheartblueskies.blogspot.com/

Now for the song

I find myself looking for my voice again.  That new place.  The place just after change - rather in the midst of it.  The ground's been broken.  Feeling a little bruised from the shift.  It's not that it isn't good.  How many times have I torn a plant from it's spot for it's own good?  Change can be very good.  But what now?  I feel disoriented and a little lost.

Jules started Kindergarten a little while ago.  Luke started fourth grade.  Wow.  Time does fly.  For the past 9 years I've been a mostly stay-at-home Mom.  It's been tough.  I've felt the strain of the sacrifice it takes, many a time.  The weight of the perseverance required.  The essential contentment you must embrace to stay at the hub and keep some small shred of sanity.  It's strange to try to boil it all down to words.

Well, it was good.  The kids are so good.  I'm so proud of them.  I'm proud of the human beings they've grown and are growing into.  They are good people.  I like them.  I like seeing them, hearing what they have to say, what they think about things.  I love watching them with pride.  A parent can't help but feel that amazed wonder, "I did good?  I did good."  Somehow, through all the mess ups, it's come out more than okay.

For now, my plan is to remain here at home.  Alone.  I want to make something new.  I want to remember myself - my own ability to dream.  I want to use that Golden Ticket I've saved for so long for myself.  I want to use the sacred silence to hear myself think and revel in it - no matter how deafening it seems at first. 

For a long time now, I've told Jeremy that our house has felt like the Titanic.  It's seemed so full of leaks and so quickly sinking I've often despaired.  That's my focus right now - turning the Titanic around.  All who know us well, know how all in we've been in planting realHope.  It's been wonderful.  Intense, crazy, and wonderful.  In a lot of ways like the stay-at-home Mom role, it takes everything.  The church began as a baby - demanding everything.  Little by little, with baby steps, it's grown into its own.  There's time to look around and do some repairs.  We're laying tile downstairs - somewhere around 200+ square feet.  We're getting there.  We've scraped the kitchen ceiling finally.  Painted the kitchen a heavenly white (seemed kind of blinding at first).  We're refreshing.  Taking stock and taking care. 

I've found a sweet happiness in the DIY world.  Working with my hands, especially when power tools are involved, gives me a deep sense of joy.  It makes me feel alive.  So for now, I'll work on the house.  Clear my workspace again and then work on an old dream, Varina's Garden.  More on that later.


Friday, December 21, 2012

only God can save us now



These days this song suits us well.  Gracious me, these kids are so sick and it's almost time to go down to Georgia for Christmas.  Colds and horrible coughs and big and little fevers, little pink eye, snot snot snot and ear aches.  Mom and Dad are ready for some sleep, but gosh we love them.  We'll hold 'em close anyway.  ;)


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Long May You Run, Soleil

 More than a couple of times I've caught myself listening for a sound.  Double-checking a presence, like a mother hen does.  A person check - proximity, well-being, etc.  I still remember that golden haired dog.  She's still missed.  At the door, in the middle of night (that incessant licking or relocating), that presence.
............
Another song, not technically written by OTR, but sung beautifully.
 .............
We've been through
Some things together
With trunks of memories
Still to come
We found things to do
In stormy weather
Long may you run.

Long may you run.
Long may you run.
Although these changes
Have come
With your chrome heart shining
In the sun
Long may you run.

Well, it was
Back in Blind River in 1962
When I last saw you alive
But we missed that shift
On the long decline
Long may you run.

Long may you run.
Long may you run.
Although these changes
Have come
With your chrome heart shining
In the sun
Long may you run.

Maybe The Beach Boys
Have got you now
With those waves
Singing "Caroline No"
Rollin' down
That empty ocean road
Gettin' to the surf on time.

Long may you run.
Long may you run.
Although these changes
Have come
With your chrome heart shining
In the sun
Long may you run.

(Long May You Run, Neil Young)

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Circle of Quiet


Circle of Quiet
 
Maybe you can tell my why i'm prone to wander
i'm like a gypsy to the bone
every time i hear the rain amid the thunder
i want to run outside and shed my clothes
but i want to stay with you
long enough to love you right
and i want to say to you
i love the patience in your eyes
here i am standing in a circle of quiet
where a truce is tactily observed
standing in a circle of quiet
waiting for the world to turn
waiting for the world to turn
waiting for the world to turn
and a hundred days and night could find me scattered
all around the world without a name
but you're more than just a feather in my hat
more than just a fetter on my frame
when I look up in the sky at night
i want to go out and chase the stars
but like the catcher in the rye
i want to stay where you are
there is no shadow of turning with thee
there is no shadow of turning